I started getting panic attacks when I was in seventh grade. It was during a social studies test because I looked at the paper and didn't understand a single thing. The words started to blur and I realized I was hyperventilating. I asked my teacher if I could go take a walk and she completely understood. I took a walk, my breathing became steady, and then, I kid you not, proceeded to throw up in a random classes trash can. I know how to deal with them a little better now (I know how to keep it down lol). They are not as common as they used to be, and the last one I had was in the summer I think. On Thursday I had two. I had one in chorus, because I just had come from math which didn't go well, and I was stressing out because I was very confused. I had my science test next period and I was also stressing out about that. I probably should've went to the bathroom but instead I stayed in their and waited for it to pass, (it wasn't one of my worse ones). Then I had science. The test was so hard and I didn't even know what the questions were asking me. (Note: I study a lot, like, a lot). Towards the end of the test, I felt like a couldn't breath and started to cry, so I went up to my teacher when I was done with my test and asked to go to the bathroom. She claimed, that it was "school rules" that I couldn't leave the room during an exam even though my test was already IN HER HANDS. I stressed to her (crying) that I didn't feel good, but she still refused. By now I wasn't just upset, I was angry and my stomach started to churn. What a lot of people don't understand, is that I feel physically ill when I have a panic attack. So in the last 2 minutes of class she came up to me and said "if you're feeling that sick, I can call a teacher to escort you to the bathroom". (NO OTHER TEACHER DOES THIS IN MY SCHOOL). I said no, there was no point (no one would even get their in time). So in my next class I asked for pass to the nurse and I just broke down. The nurse was so good about it though; she let me call my mom, got me water, let me lay down, helped me steady my breathing, and made sure that I knew I could stay as long as I needed and could come back at any time. I'm so thankful that she understood how to handle this, and my panic attack passed quickly. To the other teacher that didn't know how to handle this, I do not understand how you can watch a kid struggling and make their situation ten times worse.
Finals week is over! Let's hope the panic attacks are too!
What Music is Suppose to Do
Even I was brought to tears during my third period class.
Well hello my little chickies. I'm just going to let you know that this post may or may not get hella emotional. Sorry, I'll be funny another day, I promise.
So in my chorus class, my teacher/conductor has picked out a balance of beautiful and energetic songs for us to sing. Our latest one is especially beautiful sounding. It is called Goodnight Dear Heart.
My teacher educated us on the meaning of the song, and I don't think there was a dry eye in the room: The music was inspired by an event that happened in a young couple's life, when they were in the midst of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. On the way to America, she unfortunately got very sick and passed away. The potential father-to-be's brother found a poem that seemed to fit their situation, and wrote music for it. It was a poem that Mark Twain wrote for his daughter's grave stone when she unexpectedly died at the age of 24. My teacher really wanted us to connect it to someone who has died in our life, and when we sang the line "Green sod above lie light" I started to get choked up. When the class discussed the meaning of the song, and someone described it as "the first and last lullaby to their daughter", I cried. Connecting the song with my own life made it impossible for me to get a word out, and I couldn't help crying. A lot of emotions that I hadn't felt in a very long time all hit me at once and it was overwhelming. Old memories all started flooding back to my brain. I wasn't the only one tearing up (or downright crying); most of the class was. Even though it was a lot for me to take in (and I actually wanted to go home), I know that this is what music is supposed to do. If it doesn't make you feel something, than it's not working.
Let's hope I keep it together for the musicale.
Thanks for listening.
I love burritos as much as the next girl, but they're pretty heavy and sometimes aren't the healthiest for you. That's why I put together a recipe that is a tad on the leaner side.
First, I hand shredded a grilled chicken cutlet. Then I heated up some Spanish style rice, black beans, and salsa. As a substitution for a tortilla, I used butter lettuce (which is my new favorite thing, btw).
Then I layered everything on my "tortilla" and rolled!
So this dinner idea ended up being delicious! Next time though, I will definitely use two pieces of the butter lettuce because my faux-burrito kind of feel apart, since it's obviously not as sturdy as a real flour tortilla.
Let me know if you tried and liked this healthy dinner idea!💚
Last night some of my friends from school and I thought it was free ice cream day at Haagen Dazs, and when we found out we got the date wrong (it's May 10th if you want to go!) we were super disappointed, but went to starbucks happy hour instead (this week drinks were half hour from I think 4-5). Then we went to Ginger's apartment, and I had the best time ever. We just had fun and watched cartoons like we were little kids and didn't even worry about getting embarrassed. Then we went on her terrace and made music videos that were so much fun. It was a rainy day, but Chloe insisted on playing the ukulele outside;)
We had dinner and laughed so much, my stomach hurt. The way we all hung out last night, was the hangouts I wished for when I was in middle school; no drama, just fun. My friends in middle school weren't very good friends at all, and I never really had a blast spending time with them, for they just stayed on their phones and FaceTimed other people/gossiped about them (super rude). I'm not used to having school friends who actually make me feel better about myself instead of putting me down. It's such a nice change to have friends who make you enjoy school and that also actually act their age.
This was all Dechen's idea!!!! (Middle)
I've also learned that you shouldn't be partial to just your group of friends. Just this year, I started realizing that last year there were so many more people I had things in common with, who I've only now have gotten to know. (Shoutout to the Booty Toes & Ming😙). Those are the people I wish I would have hung out with in middle school, not the people I thought were "cool". Middle school also made me realize that you should never feel like you're stuck with a group of friends; you can always make new ones no matter how late in the game you are. It's also never too late to reconnect with old friends down the road, because even if you ended on a bad note, maturity changes people.
I am figuring out this whole friend thing as I go along, but right now I think I am finally doing okay.💛
Less Sleep, More Creativity
Something a lot of people don't know about me is that I song write when I have the time. I took a break from it for a while because it frustrated me. I don't play any instruments (except for a little piano), so it can be very hard. Basically, I used to love it and then I realized I sucked, so I just stopped. I recently got back into it though, because even if I don't play an instrument, I can still make myself useful and write lyrics. I've only been song writing for about a year. Before last Sunday, I had only written songs in that entire week (a few written with my best friend-who's-basically-my-sister, Jade). This week I have written . I don't really know what came over me, but honestly `doing my research on Prince was a key factor. Learning that he was such a prolific song writer and that he would write hits in a matter of hours really inspired me. So almost every night this week, I took advantage of not having school and stayed up until almost 1:00 every night writing. (I usually had coffee in the early evening so it would keep me up). The first songs you begin writing are obviously not guaranteed to be hits, which I most definitely learned this week. I pushed through the sucky ones though, and didn't let them discourage me. As i've been writing more and more I have realized that i've begun to noticeably improve. It's very hard for me to write about real stuff in my life, but I've broken through that wall this week. (You're going to say "Of course it's hard to write about your own life, you're only 14!", but there is stuff to write about, trust me. Everyone has their stuff). I have finally learned how to put my own feelings and experiences into words, which never came easy. That is also another reason I think I have improved. Song writing is definitely something I want to continue as I grow, whether it's selling songs or actually recording them. Though some I think I will just keep for myself. All in all, I'm really happy that I've rediscovered one of my passions. Just thought I'd share that with you guys.
No Photos, No Problem
One of my best friends, Victoria Panzella, wanted to have a fun city day with me over our spring break this week. (She goes to school in Staten Island and I go to school in Manhattan). Victoria aspires to be a professional photographer, so this was a great opportunity to take some photos for her new Instagram account. (Click here to follow it). So we dropped by my school and took cool pictures in front of Lincoln Center. It was really sunny out and the lighting was perfect. We ate lunch and then walked around central park; climbed the rocks and explored. Victoria took great photos along the way, even getting decent headshot's for me that I was prepared to use. (You don't understand, I take the WORST headshot's. I always come out looking like a distant cousin of Chewbacca). She probably took over 400 pictures, and we were so excited to put them on her new account. Towards the end of the day, we went through the photos's and I deleted one photo of me.
The camera went wack, and completely froze. We turned it off and back on again and 600 photos were deleted from the chip. Thankfully, every photo before that day had already been backed up to Victoria's computer. Unfortunately every single photo we took that day had been deleted. We were shocked and upset that-that happened; a day's worth of great pictures were all gone. However, after thinking it over, we both realized that almost the only thing we did all day was take photos. Sure, we had fun doing it, but did we ever really stop to enjoy the moment, or did we just document it? We agreed that it was the universe's way of telling us to look around and see what was actually happening all around us.
Live for the moment, not for the memories.
But of course, we did take one selfie. Maybe we should have stuck with only doing that from the start.
Making noise through multiple mediums since 2001.